My Father's signature

I did not go to church today. I do not feel guilty about it. There is something very ‘special’ in spending time alone with God who is my Heavenly Father, on a Sunday. It is too awesome for words!

God You are amazing. You have taken care of all my needs. I lack nothing at the moment, You have not deprived me of anything, neither have You starved me since the day I have decided to live alone. That why I say You are phenomenal, incredibly & influential.

Your ubiquitous Presence truly comforts me in my time of loneness. Even though it pains me sometimes – I am consoled from memory of Your word & biblical characters. You refresh my memory & soothe my emotions. I have no qualms of Your predominance. The past & present phenomenon’s displays the singularity of Your signature in my life.

Your indulgent to my shortcoming never fail to inspire me to do better in the future. Thank you for Your amazing perceptive.

Heat Wave

The dreadful heat wave is messing up my fine-tuned schedules that I’ve laid down in my planner. In fact it is affecting my ‘working cum home-life’, in a way that is beyond my control.
I get a splitting headache if I exert a bit of brain power, then for reasons unknown I get triggered off by high dose of irritations, as my work involves speaking to people, this unexpected and outrageous surge is too dangerous for words.
I drip like an ice-cream to every simple chore that I do around the house, looking as if I was bailed out of some labour camp, not to mention the stinky aroma that whiff around my nose.........then there is this astonishing surge to lie on my blessed bed with the doors shut & air-con on and play “sleeping princess” without a care in this planet, that over-heating, due to man’s covetousness. Yap I get these surges when I’m in the midst of doing something, which cannot be postponed. A chronic urge indeed.
Life has to move on, as the saying goes, so I’ll move on, at a slower speed

Community service

The chronic weather for the past few weeks have kept me indoor. Now we are going to experience the ‘heat wave’ and I hope I don’t wrinkle up, like a dry leaf. This annoying phenomena is most exasperating because we cannot control it, like I do to the fan in my living room. I don’t think I am going to enjoy “the heat wave”. Another spectacle and alarming news to top up the heat wave is the swine flu. It looms formidable!
I am going gallivanting despite the redoubtable & passable swine flu and heat wave. Why? Well I can’t stay indoors for long as I get fidgety. My buddies are going to roll up their eye balls up & say “why la you…….” & I’ll pretend to be twitchy about it, besides I love gallivanting……..
Community service, the kids in the picture are at my place for English lessons. I guess you call it community service. These kids are very very excited about me being their English teacher – who wouldn’t be, I am a rare looking specimen – not the normal two legged ones that are rendering the same service in another block. I enjoy teaching these kids as I love kids, babies, (not when they howl) dogs & cats as long as they are cute & clean.
The kids in my block are truly amazing. Luxury is word that they may dream about, but one advantage they possess, surviving against the odds. Poverty can either develop or destroy a life. Given the right opportunity these kids will have a better lifestyle then the unfortunate and privileged ones. Rich kids take everything for granted and parents are forever pampering them (I am not saying all parents do that.) but I cannot help noticing that the contrast is vast between the kids in my church and the kids in my block, I can never blend them together and that is for sure.
The government on the other hand seem to have a low concept for the poor – just take a look at their Education system – there is no evidence of visible improvement in their system.

Down down down

Venture capital is down.
Consumer confidence is down.
Employment is down.
Auto industry is down.
Commercial real estate is down.
Foreign markets are down.
Down down down
Is anything going UP?
Some things are.
The opportunity to serve people in need is going up.
The opportunity to trust God when trusting isn't easy is going up.
The opportunity to build a faith that will last when the storms of life hit it is going up.
The opportunity to help our churches become communities where people actually get real with each other and love and support each other is going up. Don’t you agree? Certain truths remain unchanged, we know this for sure............like - God remains sovereign, The blood of Jesus is still more powerful than the stain of sin. Love still beats bigotry. Prayers still get answered. The Kingdom is still alive and well, and does not need to be bailed out by a stimulus package, isn’t that amazing? I am speechless when I think of it. The Bible is still the word of God.
Psychologist are interesting people, they write interesting stuff – they keep your brain ticking so that it doesn’t get rusty or dusty. So different from theologians, you know, some of them are so so drab!
Sometimes psychologist writers will ask their reader to do a hypothetical exercise, I enjoy doing it. I call it “intellectual thinking”. Have you heard of ‘helicopter people?’ conscious or unconsciously we want to take off fast like the helicopter, don’t know what the latest model the Russians have built, but Malaysian Air Forces are still using some outdated models that keep crashing somewhere.
This verse says we shouldn’t behave like ‘helicopter people?’ not my favourite verse either......... "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything" (James 1:1-2).
Sometimes I can get caught up in the challenges of life, face financial needs that are always shifting. Leadership requirements keep going up. Emails can be happy; but sometimes cranky people write them. And send them to me. My own motives get messed up. I get anxious, and then feel guilty. My disability doesn’t make things better for me. My emotional tolerance clash with my intellectual cognisant , the list is endless, then Paul says "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor. 4:17). His adjectives are particularly striking, since he likely wrote these words in chains, under oppression, awaiting execution. There wasn’t a helicopter waiting for him, you know.
Is it possible that in some way people actually need adversity, setbacks, maybe even something like trauma to reach the fullest level of development and growth?

When God has chosen ............

When God has chosen you to be HIS. You can be 100% sure that miracles are bound to be part of your lifestyle.
To those of you who aren’t christians, please bear with me as I share one of the many miracles in here and now..........I have to.......oh by the way, miracles aren’t meant to be comprehended, there isn’t any scientific method or inferences and definitely no theories. I feel that the christians of today’s world stress too much on hypothesis, neuroscience and epistemic relativism. No, I’m not saying that is bad, in fact we shouldn’t deprave our brains with such knowledge. In fact I was very very interested in such stuff and other unlisted stuffs as well. Still am.
Ok lets get on with the anecdote. I have now become very ‘set’ in my ways, that means I don’t like unexpected incidents or announcements at unexpected time. My blood will start to curdle. So when my weekly cleaner unsophisticatedly announced her resignation through sms, I was in a very unsophisticated aura. It took quite a while to calm down. Unbridle agitation will develop into some kind of epilepsy – no need to ask a doctor, I know that (all the reading taught me so)for sure. On the other hand friends will comment “ see, I told you so........your crazy idea of staying alone.........blab blab........ will probably give me an incurable epilepsy!!
My snug nest will be an inhabitance of all the creepiest crawlies (which I hate) if I don’t get a replacement quickly. Creepiest crawlies will give me a heartattack, due to sleepless nights. I am sure my Heavenly Father wouldn’t want me to depart from this planet in such a dishonourable manner. He doesn’t, we had a chat and lo........a replacement arrived at my doorstep today.
Unspeakable miracle. God Be Praised!!!
Going to bed now.

1:27:09 am night is still young

1:27:09 AM Night is still young………for me.

“15 candidates for Bukit Selambau by-election”

Oh wow, the political bug has bitten me. Trying to figure why on earth would a candidate pay RM8,000 deposit and not mean business about it. This is a poignant and fraudulent affair. The sudden increase of independents candidates, sure smells fishy to me. They sound like counterfeit.
Our country is in a very pathetic situation – where politics is concern. Many Malaysian are very very apologetic about it, ask them, and this is a reply you will hear; “what to do lah” and all “lahs” will come out.
Metamorphosis is a favourite topic but never really flaunt by our ministers.
I believe changes will take shape, but it is going to take a long long time, corruption and ethical values cannot overlap each other. It will be good to see how the people handle this small election - are they any wiser?

MATTA FAIR 2009

Friday the 13th. I jotted down “MATTA FAIR” in my diary. Friday the 13th. Woke up to a wet morning – in fact I had difficulty in getting my body to cooperate with the activities of the day as it still wanted to be in bed!! No, it isn’t an excuse – believe me.
So why was I going to MATTA fair, I wasn’t looking for a cheap, freaky and rush rush holiday. Not my style. There are some things that needed to be experienced & I felt that this is one of them. Well, as I expected, the MATTA fair didn’t have any packages for the disable community. I found that quite heart-breaking, I was tempted to feel cynical about it, but I didn’t. Like they say there is a story in both side of a coin.
Overall, I enjoyed the day. By mid noon it was crowded, I had difficulty moving around with my motorized wheelchair, a thought hit me at that moment, “hey, aren’t we facing economy downturn?” these guys are here, itching to spend $$$. That was something.

28 days of February

28 days of February have flown by. By now I should be used to this ideology-time doesn’t stop for anyone. Time doesn’t care two hoots for you, It just moves on and on ....
I attended a few functions in February and one of them was an exhibition by Victor Chin, it was my second brush with Victor, within a few weeks. Let me inform you that I am not an ‘aficionado’ when it comes to art or anything in that line. It was the title of the exhibition that took me there and I needed to know and feel what a exhibitions is all about, in a personal way. I was scanning the online newspapers when the word “disability” stuck out sharply, the next word was exhibition. I shut my eyes and virtualized the scenes – the American panorama drifted into my mind. I confess I’m a bit nave when it comes to exhibitions.
To start with I arrived very very VERY early at the venue…...before the organizers….don’t how that happen really….no traffic jams I think. Fell in love with park on first sight. I was solemnly warned by the van driver not to saunter around and get lost before he arrives to pick me up. Some people don’t know how to appreciate nature or parks – so sad!
Meeting Ameer and See Num for the first time at KLpac was a rare experience. That particular day was a very hot one, but these two adorable gentlemen were my guide at the park – it was a ‘sweaty’ tour for us!
I was scanning the online newspapers when the word “disability” stuck out sharply, the next word was exhibition. I shut my eyes and virtualized the scenes – the American panorama drifted into my mind. I confess I’m a bit nave when it comes to exhibitions.
I believe we all had a very relaxed time. Personally I found it very serene and smooth spacing, we weren’t rushed off here or there, like a bunch of sheep’s, everything was like ‘slow & steady’ type of atmosphere – I liked that very much.
Thank you Victor – if you are reading this. The world needs people like you, a shame that aren’t that many around.
http://victorchin.com/

The coup

It is exasperating to see such political turmoil in Perak. Injustice always infuriates me. The coup is play of powers, Power is very attractive to everyone who holds it, and power is menace, a troublemaker. It can terrorize anyone or everyone.

Political power when goes unchecked, issues gets underdone and undercooked. I have always felt that people play a crucial role where political theme are exhibited, sadly the people had demonstrate temperate attitude towards such matters. Malaysians must realize that the ‘power’ is in their hands.

There are times I wonder if Malaysian politicians are creatures of compassion or homicides humans. To cause unnecessary hardship to fellow humans, invoke my antipathy and for a charistian, as I’m – that is bad. I know politics is rarely clean, when there is a good one, the bad one will desire to annihilate it, by hook or by crook, you can be sure of it, hundred percent.

Hopefully, as we tussle with this issue of unclean politics in our country, may the generation ahead wrestle all the malice politicians out of our system for good. Sounds impossible – right!

I am suffering from some kind of insomnia at the moment, mind & body not collaborating. I don't consciously and deliberately do it.....it just happens, much to my annoyance. It seem like I am floating in midst of misty cloud, days just wizzed on & on......I wonder when or what is going to shake me out of it....

The 3 D's

Some things happen so fast that the mind has a problem absorbing it, mine does at the moment. Chinese New Year is over! So now it is a dry season with an occasional “day off” here and there as the months fly.
As usual my life is clustered with all kinds’ things, spiritual, emotional, physical, social. and psychological. All these areas are part of the parcel in life. There is no escaping from it. As a disable person I need to rein in my words, thoughts, and my vision. At times such restrictions put a lot of stress on me, when I’m in a societal gathering. Communities in Malaysia have their own theory on disable issues, some will allow you to say what you want to say but in the end they will have the final say.
Moving on, discarding the three D’s as I call it, disappointments, disconcertments and displeasures. If I were to carry these three elements as tokens of life, I don’t think God will be pleased with me.

Phenomenon

According to the Existentialist, a human being's existence is a lonely existence. At the end of the day, we are all alone. Can anyone ever truly understand what it is to be you, to experience all the things you have experienced, to understand your joys and happiness, your pains and sorrows? Surely we can talk to other people about how we feel, we can draw pictures, we can play music, but all this attempt to communicate ultimately leaves something behind. We cannot always get our feelings, ideas or experiences across exactly. There is a painful reality that ultimately we are alone, by ourselves, and ultimately lonely.

Some people are better at alleviating their loneliness than other people, at hiding their monadic existence than others. For them, loneliness is a fleeting feeling that visits them on gloomy days or rainy days when human contact becomes minimal and they are left only with the thoughts in their heads. For others, loneliness is a curse, a shadow that follows them all the time, that rears its ugly head at every human contact, that surrounds them in their waking and in their dreams.

Whether I agree with it or not, loneliness is a universal phenomenon, it visits every human soul at some time in every culture, every race, every class, every age, and at all times in human history. It is inescapable, and has been expressed throughout the ages in music, literature and art. To feel lonely is to join the rest of humanity in acknowledging that we are somehow fundamentally separated from each other, doomed to speak and yet never fully understood.

Not only is loneliness so pervasive, but it has been associated with a variety of different emotions. People who feel lonely describe it as painful, and it is associated very strongly with feelings of depression, suicide, low self-esteem and aggression. Being lonely for too long may not be a good thing. And while we suffer a monadic existence, we are social animals, needing each other, to bond, to connect, to love. It is the paradox of human existence to seek to fill a need that can never be satisfied, to fill the vortex of loneliness in our lives.

So what is loneliness? Is it a feeling? A condition? For different people, it means different things. I suppose, It is hard to describe exactly what it is, or how come we feel this way. Perhaps a better question is "what is loneliness for you?"

Life is a journey, I am not sure what I am experiencing right now…….maybe a short spell of isolation within my sanctuary.

One can be alone in a crowd

2009

During the year may you have

Enough happiness to keep you sweet.

Enough trials to keep you strong.

Enough sorrow to keep you human.

Enough hope to keep you happy.

Enough failure to keep you humble.

Enough success to keep you eager.

Enough friends to give you comfort.

Enough wealth to meet your needs.

Enough enthusiasm to make you look forward to tomorrow.

Enough determination to make each day better than the day before.

Enough is a balance word. You accept it as it come. Enough is enough.

"For last year's words belong to last year's languageAnd next year's words await another voice.And to make an end is to make a beginning.~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

last days

Christmas isn’t exactly over yet.......this Christmas was really singular, is a sense that I celebrated it in my own place, not only that I manage to put up the Christmas tree, which we (my rarely live in housemate) bought last year, plus the decorations as well and threw a mini tea party. Phew that was a lot of work. I was really worried about the menu. It turned out OK.
Christmas has many meanings for many people.......on Christmas Eve I stayed at home........the need for silence at this joyful occasion was overwhelming.
I was prevented by all the artificial noises inside and outside the church. This Christmas eve I mediated on certain questions........alone with God. It was awesome. I went down memory lane, it was good and not so good, one thing for sure, God is in control. Life has to on till the next Christmas comes along. Each is special in its own way.

It was good to wake up late today. For the past few weeks I was moving in a speed that put a strain on my physical posture. It will resume in few days time as I am having a short break now, In January I should be back to my normal routine, as my studying/observing tenure will be completed by then.
I know that my body cannot stand too much pressure, never the less I need to break the normal habitual system to experience some sort of stupefaction in my life. Incomprehension is part of the parcel in life – we cannot understand the perplexity of it, we shouldn’t try – I don’t.
I’m filled with admiration for a few of my disable pals. It is a tough life, living and in an environment that is still has a hostile attitude towards them. I guess we are unique in our coordination – the way we do and handle things in life. Yes we have techniques. Honestly, I am honored to have been given this opportunity to mingle with this group. I have someone to thank, his name (he says that isn’t his real name – must be a spy) is Thomas Low – he is a talented persuader. He first hooked me and then
fixed transportation for me without a hassle – that is a rare feat!

Phew........

I know that I’ vent fill my blog got some time. That was because the telephone cables where stolen, as usual, the remedy took long – typical malaysian style. The system is back, running smoothly now, I’m told that the thief might strike again, that is one of the reasons one has to tolerate living in low cost flat, besides time are hard $ isn’t raining from the sky.

A lot has been happening & time is constrained. I am in the mist of doing a computer course which swallows up all my time – traveling to and fro, four times a week is taxing, physically. This is really not my cup of tea, never the less, I find it a good experience in understanding what stress is all about!!
I am enjoying my lessons. I wish I could tell u more, maybe later, right now I have to go to bed early & rise early – just like normal working folks.

Yesterday I attended a meeting on public transportation issues of the disabled. Frankly most of us are fed up at the sordid treatment that was rendered by the government towards the disable community.
The disable advocators are all luxury car owners, so their concept is just to appear in the media and gratify the organizers. These disable advocators are a nuisance for those who really want to see issues implement at a lightening speed. Frankly I am too disgusted by some of these advocators. Why, because they compromise a lot, for their own benefits. They have become corrupted by greed and crave for power in leadership. They now practice unspeakable tactics to underscore and dent another disable person, much to my chagrin, this is such a poignant affair, the disable in Malaysia have yet to progress to attain a quality lifestyle.

My brainpower is under going some kind of construction – I can hardly string in a sensible sentence for the blog. Maybe it gone into hallucinate mode. give me sometime to scan it. Till then ………hang on.

Amazing God

Psalm 139:7-18 (King James Version)

7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.

14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

I worship the most amazing God who understand "my all".

Reason, Season & Vision

People come into your life for a reason,

a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you’ll know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you’ve expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance & support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need

them to be.
Then without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desires fulfilled, their work done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,

because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationship teaches you lifetime lessons,

things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you’ve

learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
You don’t need a psychiatrist to tell you this.